


To Live and Become

by chiiyo86



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Brotherly Fluff, Gen, Post-Promised Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 06:20:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13828308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiiyo86/pseuds/chiiyo86
Summary: Al can't sleep, and he has a question to ask.





	To Live and Become

**Author's Note:**

> Since I'm on a FMA roll right now, I decided to freshen up two old fics and post them on AO3. Here is the first. Originally beta'd by wave_obscura.

Al blinks slowly, the room winking in and out of focus, slightly blurry. The weight of the sheet on his sensitive skin bothers him; it feels halfway between pain and an itch. By his bed, Ed is folded in a chair and he's sleeping soundly, his breathing deep and peaceful. Now that Al isn't a set of armor that towers over everyone, it's easier to see that Ed has grown up, enough that it can't be a comfortable position for him.

"Brother," Al calls softly. 

His own voice sounds weird to his ears, not only because the hollow echo he'd gotten used to is absent, but also because it is now deeper and older. Outside of his hospital room - which he only got because of his brother's status as a State Alchemist - it's buzzing with activity, doctors and nurses running everywhere, wounded people crying in pain. It sounds like after the end of the world. Al calls his brother one more time and Ed bolts upright, a cry on his lips.

"Sorry," Al says.

"'t's okay," Ed mumbles and yawns, so wide Al can hear his jaw creak. "How you feeling? Have you slept any?"

Al chuckles wearily. "I'm exhausted but I can't really sleep. I dozed off, but I don't know… I guess it's been so long."

"Oh." Ed scratches his head and unfolds his legs so that his feet touch the floor. Al can see that he's racking his mind for a way to make it better. "Uh, want me to sing you a lullaby or something? Like Mom did when we were little."

Al snorts. "Don't be ridiculous, Ed. Do that and I punch you in the face."

"Hey, fuck you, I'm just trying to help." Ed has a sudden smirk. "Won't be kicking my ass anytime soon, bro."

"Just wait. But you should find yourself a bed, brother. I don't need you here to hold my hand and that chair can't be comfortable."

Ed shrugs - bad idea, Al thinks, before he even sees the wince his brother tries to hide. Ed is in pain, of course, but the idiot has never thought pain mattered, not when it's his own. Al thinks about the mess of flesh and metal his right shoulder is now and feels a hot flash of guilt.

"How's your shoulder?" he asks.

Ed looks like he wants to shrug again, but settles on pursing his lips. "It's okay. It'll be okay. It's weird to feel my arm again, though."

"What did the doctors say about it? Are they going to fix it?"

"The doctors didn't have much time for me, because there are a lot of people who need them more right now. I don't know if they'll be able to get the metal out without messing up the shoulder. I'll take care of it later."

"I'm sorry," Al says quietly. "I didn't know it would do that. I just wanted-"

"Hey." Ed leans over and punches his arm, so lightly it gives Al the feeling that he's changed from being made of metal to being made of glass. "Don't say that," Ed says. "If you hadn't done what you did I would probably be dead now."

"Yeah." Al glances at Ed's left leg. "What about your leg?"

"Oh, that." Ed pats his leg and it gives a metallic clink. "It's okay. I'm used to it. I was used to the arm too. Not that I'm not grateful." He flexes the fingers of his right hand, thinner and paler than the left one, and then closes it to form a fist. There's a touch of wonder in the way he looks at the flesh and bones. "But I think I'll keep the leg. As a reminder, you know. And Winry would be so sad not to be able to torture me anymore," he adds with a grin.

Ed plays with a hole in his pants, still looking fascinated with his own fingers. Al watches him: his brother looks okay, despite the bruises and the scratches on every visible patch of skin, and the white bandages sticking out of the collar of his t-shirt. But Al is an alchemist. He knows you always have to give away something. Al is terrified of the answer, but he has to ask.

"Brother." His heart pounds so hard that it feels like he's going to be sick.

"Hmm?"

"What did you give away in exchange?"

It makes Ed look up at him. "What?"

"For my body. You had to give something in exchange. What was it?"

Ed rolls his eyes, like the mere question annoys him. Then he sighs, blows a lock of dirty blond hair that was falling into his eyes.

"Eh, I guess I have to tell you sooner or later."

Oh god, Al thinks. He's imagined more than once, during the long, long nights he had to stay awake, what happened that night, after he disappeared. He's imagined his eleven-year old brother crawling on the floor, mad with pain and grief, slipping in a pool of his own blood. Dipping his fingers in it, so desperate he didn't care what happened to him. Later Al has watched his brother go through hell, and he understands now that Ed felt it was punishment for his sins, for everything Al couldn't feel, but seeing his brother in agony has never, ever made Al feel any better.

"What is it?" he asks, his voice shamefully trembling.

"Don't give me that look," Ed says. 

He opens his arms wide, then claps his hands together. Al jumps, anticipating whatever crazy transmutation his brother is going to do, but Ed's hands fall back on his lap and nothing happens. Al's eyes widen as he understands what this means, and Ed gives him a small smile.

"My days as a State Alchemist are over," he says. "But I spoke to Armstrong and he said that it would certainly be considered as an injury in the line of duty. I'll be honorably discharged and everything. Maybe I'll have a pension! That bastard Colonel will have to get used not to have me at his beck and call-"

Al knows Ed's babble is an attempt to make him feel better. "Ed. I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry."

"But once more you had to sacrifice yourself for me." Al feels his eyes fill with water and he curses his weakened body. "I swore to myself, _never_ again."

"Al, no, you don't understand. I'm okay with this. I really am."

"You're okay with never doing alchemy again? But alchemy is your life!"

Ed gives him a soft smile that is disturbingly out of character. "You're wrong about that, Al. Listen, you were gone, and I had to do something. I would have given my life for you, you know that."

Al's eyes narrow. "But I don't want your life, brother," he says hotly. "I want you to live."

"Yeah, I know. That's why I didn't give it away. Ling offered me the Philosopher's Stone but I refused it. And Hohenheim, you know what that old bastard told me? That I should take _his_ life!"

"Oh, really?" Al thinks about it, picturing his dad making the offer. "That's rather nice of him."

Ed huffs. "So you don't want _my_ life but when he offers his it's _nice_? You're messed up, bro."

Al rolls his eyes. It makes him feel a little dizzy. "Oh, please, you know I don't want his sacrifice either."

"Well, good, because I didn't accept it. Like dying would make up for anything." Ed's jaw contracts. "That fucking asshole. Anyway, I couldn't do all these things because I knew you would be mad at me. So that's when I thought of this." Ed claps his hands again. Al wishes he would stop doing this; it makes his heart feel like it's going to burst through his chest. "And, Al, you don't have to feel guilty because this exchange was the easiest I ever made. I gave away nothing and I got _everything_."

"You can't mean that."

"Yes, I can. What did alchemy ever bring us but pain? And I can always study the theory, it's always been the most fun part anyway. I don't have to fight anymore, I can study, I can travel, I can do anything I want. Al, for the first time in my life I'm _free_. And so are you."

Al studies his brother closely, but Ed's smile looks genuine, not like he's soldiering on like he always does. Al knows his brother better than anyone. It's unbelievable, but Ed seems to really be okay with his sacrifice.

"Okay." He will have to train himself not to feel guilty, he knows, but if Ed is happy then he will be too. It's always been as simple as that. "I knew you would find a way to come and get me, I just… I got scared, I guess."

"Of course, I would find a way. I'm your awesome big brother."

"Yeah. Right." There's a lump in his throat and he can't swallow right. He's forgotten how much emotions could physically hurt. "I still think you should find a bed to sleep, brother."

Ed shakes his head, stubborn as always. "I don't need a bed. I'm fine here. I don't think they have any bed left anyway. It's crazy out there."

Al blinks. His eyelids feel heavy. "Still, you can probably find something better than this chair." He yawns. "You're going to be sore."

"You should try to sleep, instead of worrying about me." 

He says it like it's easy. Al has worried for his brother since he's been old enough to understand that Ed was born with less than his share of common sense and need for self-preservation. His pig-headed, insane big brother. Al turns his gaze to the white ceiling, then closes his eyes when it feels like too much effort to keep them open.

"I can't believe it's finally over," he says.

Ed laughs. "Oh, no, you're wrong," he says. Al feels him wrap his fingers around Al's own skinny hand - it's Ed's right hand, warm and smooth. The pressure is on this side of painful, but Al doesn't mind too much, and he's so tired. He weakly squeezes his brother's hand in return.

"It's not the end," Ed says, his voice a low and soothing rumble. "It's only the beginning."

Al wants to reply, something about happy endings and new beginnings, but sleep washes over him before he can say a word.


End file.
